Hanging up the horns, round 2

Back in June, with my average daytime pumping output down to maybe an ounce a day, I decided drop my one pumping session. The pumping session was solely to keep my supply up and put milk in the freezer for donation, since Noob was drinking whole milk exclusively during the day, so it was no problem to drop that session. I dropped off my last milk bank donation shortly afterwards.

At the time, I was also pumping while on business trips. I'm currently on my third business trip in two months. On the first one, in mid-June, I brought my pump, but only pumped 3 ounces over two days. On the second one, two weeks ago, I brought my pump just in case, but ended up pumping only once, for a measly half an ounce. Back home, Noob did fine with no breastmilk.

So, last Tuesday, after dropping Littles off at preschool, I drove to the parking lot of a local 7-Eleven. There, I met up with the mom of a nine-month-old who is unable to nurse, who I had found through Eats on Feets. I handed over the remainder of my freezer stash, mostly milk pumped on business trips and therefore not frozen within the 24-hour window required by the milk bank. I really enjoyed meeting the mom whose baby would benefit from my milk. Donating to the milk bank has been great, but very anonymous.

Anyway. That donation meant I was officially hanging up the horns. I did not bring my pump on my trip this week.

When I reached this point with Littles, I wrote about a recent discussion over whether women should feel proud for breastfeeding their child, since after all, women have been breastfeeding for millenia. I said that I did feel proud, because women have not been pumping for millenia, and pumping was hard work!

I feel differently this time. Sure, I'm pleased that Noob is among only 10% of babies who are still breastfed at 1 year of age. But as I've explained in previous posts, I really didn't have to do a whole lot of pumping for him. He was home with family till just before his first birthday, and I work from home, so I mostly nursed him directly. And yes, women have been doing that for millenia. Not really an accomplishment, like something I should be really proud of doing.

I'm also pleased that I was able to donate over 400 oz of breastmilk (340 oz to the milk bank and a little over 90 oz direct to the mom I met last week). But again, I don't really feel like that's a special accomplishment. Women have been wet-nursing for millenia, too, and aside from my European adventures, it was really pretty easy to fit the extra pumping sessions into my day.

I am proud, and very very lucky, to work in a job and for a company that made breastfeeding so easy. Every woman should have the opportunity to breastfeed as long as she wants, even if she returns to work. It makes me sad that so many women find themselves in work situations that are not conducive or even openly hostile to pumping. It's just not right.

I'm also thankful that I still have the opportunity to nurse Noob. He's an early riser, usually waking up between 6-6:30 AM, and I am… well, not an early riser :) So most mornings, I get him out of his crib, bring him in bed with me, latch him on as we're both lying down, and catch a few extra minutes of sleep while he nurses. I love it, and I'm in no rush to end it.

But I do love the fact that this morning, I was able to go for a 30-minute jog on a beautiful trail next to a river, rather than spending 30 minutes pumping. It's been a great run, but I'm glad to be done.

Uncharted territory

Noob turned 1 last week! Normally, a baby's first birthday marks the point where s/he can transition to cow's milk instead of breastmilk or formula. With Littles, I was so sick of pumping that I stopped when she was 11 months old, and used up my freezer stash while we transitioned her onto milk.

But since Noob was at home for the first 11 months of his life, I haven't really had to pump much at all -- he mostly nursed directly. Also, my current job is much more conducive to pumping than the job I had when Littles was nursing.

So I'm not sick of pumping, and so no reason to stop doing it. Noob also recently had an allergic reaction after accidentally being given peanut butter, so now that we know he has one food allergy, we're a little gun-shy about introducing other high-allergen foods, such as cow's milk.

As a result, Noob is still drinking breastmilk exclusively -- no other kind of milk. He nurses in the morning. His sitter gives him a bottle during the day, and I pump once. Then he nurses when we get home in the evening. It's very manageable!

This is uncharted territory for me, so I'm not sure how things will change over time. Should we transition him towards getting a cup of breastmilk during the day, rather than a bottle? When should we think about introducing cow's milk, and how will that fit in with his breastmilk consumption? Will he drop nursing sessions on his own, or will I eventually need to nudge him towards weaning like I did with Littles?

I'm curious to see what the next few months hold for us!

Full weaning!

I mentioned a few weeks ago that we were headed towards full weaning. It looks like we did it!

I got home from Seattle on a Friday morning and somewhat expected Littles to yell out "Num-nums!" the moment she saw me. But she didn't. In fact, she went five straight mornings without asking to nurse.

The following Wednesday, I had to do a very rare onsite customer visit. The morning was hectic, trying to get myself ready and Littles ready and get out the door. So of course, Littles decided that morning that she wanted to nurse for the first time in a week and a half.

OK, fine. We sat down and she latched on. Then she immediately pulled off with a confused look on her face. Which is strange, because even though I'm sure my supply was way down from not having nursed or pumped in so long, I doubt it was all that great before that, so it shouldn't have come as a huge shock to her that it took some effort to get something out. But she didn't even try. That's how quickly she pulled off.

"Other side?" I asked. She sat up and said, "Other side." So I switched sides and the same thing happened. "No more num-nums?" I asked. "No more," she said quietly. "Breakfast? Yogurt?" I asked. "Yogurt!" she said with a smile, and climbed out of my lap to go play.

On Thursday, I had to go back to the customer, so the morning was similarly hectic and of course, Littles asked to nurse again. The same thing happened. She barely latched and then pulled off and said, "No more."

That was almost two weeks ago and she hasn't asked to nurse since. I think we may be done for good, in which case, her last nursing session was on May 7, at just shy of 23 months of age.

When I think about those last two sessions, it makes me a little sad. The way she said "No more" in a quiet, sad voice. But I remind myself that this is a toddler who has no problem expressing her opinion if you don't give her something she wants :) I think about the morning when she was using one of my tank tops as a purse and getting very upset when the stuff she put in fell straight through the bottom. She apparently expected me to magically turn the tank top into a bag. "Bag. Bag! BAAAAAG!" she screamed, over and over.

So if that same toddler accepted my lack of milk with a quiet "no more," I don't think she was too upset about it. I think she was ready to be done, too.

As for me? I feel really good about all of it. The way we weaned was so easy and so natural. It felt like the right "next step" in our nursing relationship, just like starting solids and weaning off the pump when we did. I haven't had engorgement or any mood swings (well, I don't think I have, you should probably confirm with Hubby :) like I've heard some women complain about after weaning. I'm happy for all the time we shared nursing, but I'm also very happy to be done.

Officially DONE with pumping!

I've been in Seattle this week. Since Littles got through my last Seattle trip with no expressed breastmilk, I didn't even bother bringing my pump along this time. I'm officially done with pumping! Yay!

We're also getting close to full weaning. Our PM nursing session has been slowly dropping off over the past few months. I'm coaching a high school girls lacrosse team, so I have a practice or a game about 2-3 weeknights each week, and I'm usually so rushed with picking Littles up and getting over to lacrosse that there's no time to nurse. Now that we're out of that evening nursing routine, both of us tend to forget even when we are at home. I think Littles has only nursed in the evening a handful of times in the last month.

I was more worried about the AM session, as that one has always been much more consistent (after all, where else do we need to be at 7 AM?) and Littles seemed much more attached to it. But, well, after 22 months, I'm ready to be done. So last week, I just stopped offering to nurse or even mentioning nursing in the mornings. I just get Littles up, change her diaper, and then ask if she wants to get some breakfast. Some mornings, she heads straight downstairs to the kitchen; other mornings, she tells me, in her inimitable toddler way, "No! Num-nums!" And then we nurse.

I'm interested to see how she acts when I get home from Seattle. Maybe she'll miss nursing and want to do it more. Maybe she'll realize that she really doesn't need to nurse anymore.

Either way is fine. I'm ready to be done, but I'm also OK with giving her a little time to catch up to me if she needs it.

A big weaning milestone

I've had two days over the past few weeks where I left home before Littles woke up and returned after she was asleep, so we didn't get the chance to nurse all day. The first time, we were away from home, so bringing along expressed breastmilk would have been a huge hassle. Littles didn't seem to miss it. The next time, we were at home and could have easily given some frozen milk, but decided not to. Again, she didn't seem to miss it.

Last week, while I was in Seattle, Hubby and I decided to see if Littles could go the entire time (about 3.5 days, or 7 nursing sessions) without breastmilk. Not surprisingly, she did just fine.

It certainly simplified my life. I still pumped to keep my supply up, but didn't have to stress at all about how much I was getting, didn't have to carry the milk home, etc. Besides, I was pumping well under 1 oz at each session, so it really was hardly worth saving!

She's heading towards full weaning, slowly but surely. I'm ready when she is.

I'm still alive!

I know it's been a while, but yes, I'm still alive!

I made another trip up to Seattle last week. It was pure craziness, as a number of my friends and co-workers were there as well, so we had some late nights out on the town :) And I thought I didn't get much sleep at home with a 1-year-old who wakes up at 7 AM every day. Yeesh.

This was my longest trip yet, at six full days. I left early Sunday morning (there was a meeting on Sunday afternoon) and got home on the red-eye early Saturday morning. I had fun and got some good work done, but by the end of the week, I was so ready to come home. I missed Littles and Hubby terribly, and the week just dragged on and on.

As a result, I continued what is probably a bad habit: I buy Littles a gift on every trip I take. It helps ease the guilt I feel from leaving her. Sort of. At least this trip, I had the good sense to indulge at a thrift shop, where I picked up a baby University of Washington football jersey for all of $2.17. Last trip, I happened to walk past a super-expensive toy store just a few hours before my flight. Not. Good.

Nothing has changed with Littles' nursing situation since my last trip -- she still nurses morning and night -- so I had to pull out the pump again. I skipped my pumping session on Sunday night, and ended up pumping really late (ummm, 3 AM) on Monday night, so my supply seemed to take a bit of a hit, and Littles seems a little less interested in nursing now that I'm back home. I'm fine with that; I'm not rushing her into weaning fully, but whenever she's ready, I am too.

I'll have only two weeks at home before I have to head up there for another week :( It's OK, because I did have a long stretch at home (4 full weeks) between my last two trips, but ugh, I'm not really looking forward to it.

The one thing I'm happy about is that Hubby and Littles may come with me on the two trips after this next one! I have a meeting in Jackson, Wyoming, in mid-September, so we're all flying out a week early for vacation. Then, Hubby has to go to Seattle in late September, so if we're able to find backup care for Littles, I'll probably try to fly out that same week and we'll bring Littles with us. Cross your fingers that it all works out!

In conclusion, I'll leave you with another installment in my "Where I pumped today" series. This is the nursing room at Seattle-Tacoma airport. Yes, a nursing room! It's a quiet, private space with two rocking chairs and outlets for moms who need to pump. Far better than nursing in public or pumping in a bathroom. Every airport should have one of these! I pumped here on Friday night just before boarding my red-eye home:


Adjacent to the nursing room is a children's play area. Brilliant! A place for active toddlers to burn off some energy before boarding their flights. Hopefully Littles will get a chance to play here in a few weeks when she comes up with Hubby and me!

Traveling with(out) a nursing toddler

Although it's been over a month since I weaned from the pump, I do still nurse Littles twice a day -- once in the morning when she first wakes up, and once in the evening, a little before dinner. I enjoy nursing, Littles is still interested (although I often feel that she enjoys the cuddles and the 1:1 time with Mom more than the milk, not that there's anything wrong with that!), and so I have no plans to drop either of these sessions anytime soon.

Of course, this posed a dilemma during my travels this past week. Since nursing is a supply-and-demand system, I knew I couldn't skip nursing all week and expect to pick up where I left off when I got home.

This meant that if I wanted to continue nursing, I would have to (gasp!) start pumping again.

It actually was not too bad. There were two main reasons why I hated full-time pumping:

1. I hated the awkwardness of either telling co-workers about pumping or finding excuses to take pump breaks during the workday.
   
2. I hated the day-to-day "am I pumping enough?" stress.

Pumping for a nursing toddler elimates both of these problems. I only needed to pump before and after work, so there was no awkwardness during the workday. And I really didn't care how much I pumped; honestly, I'm not even sure we'll end up using the milk I pumped, as Littles should be able to do whole milk exclusively by the time of my next trip at the end of July.

I refused to bring my Medela Pump in Style out of retirement, so I took along my Medela Harmony manual pump instead. I was pleasantly surprised by how much milk I was able to get. I've been feeling fairly "deflated" and I've wondered whether I really have any milk left. To my surprise, I averaged about 4-5 oz per session, which is a pretty decent amount.

Transporting the milk home was a breeze, since I only had the two pump sessions. Back in my full-time pumping days, I would have pumped probably around 100 oz on a trip of this length. Getting all that milk home would be a huge pain! This time, I only pumped about 35 oz, so I didn't have any difficulty fitting it into two cooler bags and carrying it on.

I have no goals around nursing or pumping right now, so I don't know whether or not I'll go through all of this again during my next trip. But if I do decide to do it, it's nice to know it's not too much of a hassle.

Hanging up the horns

I'm heading in to San Francisco tomorrow. My old team is having a "team meeting," and Brian, my old boss, invited me to come along. See, because that team travels so much, you can easily go for weeks or months without seeing your teammates, or even Brian, for that matter. So roughly once a quarter, Brian blocks everyone's calendars so that they won't have customer visits, and holds a team meeting. The meeting is usually light on business and heavy on fun. (And alcohol.) Tomorrow, for example, there is a 1-hour meeting in the morning, and then we're taking the ferry to Sausalito for lunch (with drinks), followed by a cruise on San Francisco Bay (with drinks). I'm looking forward to seeing my old teammates again and saying goodbye.

And I'm really looking forward to not pumping.

That's right. My last pumping session was on Thursday, May 22nd -- 7 months to the day after my return to work. I have officially hung up the horns.

Tomorrow's team meeting will be a perfect bookend to my working-and-pumping career. I remember another team meeting, on October 15. It was one week before my official first day back, but as I said, these team meetings are pretty infrequent, and for this particular one, two of our senior managers came along, in addition to the rest of the team. So I made a point of attending.

That was the first day I left Littles alone with Maria, and it was very, very hard. I remember sitting on BART heading in to the office, listening to Rob Thomas' "Little Wonders," remembering how I used to sing that while dancing around the living room with Littles when she was a newborn, when my return to work seemed so far away. I couldn't believe that I had just left my little baby with someone I had only met twice.

And then there was pumping. The plans for that day were similar to the plans for tomorrow: Brief meeting in the morning, followed by a ferry to Sausalito for lunch and hanging out, then a ferry back to the office. I had hoped to arrive early to have some time to pump, but that didn't work out. I ended up excusing myself on the ferry and pumping in the bathroom. At the time, I thought that was awful. Now that I have more bathroom-pumping experience, I can honestly say that I wish all bathrooms were like the ones on the ferry. At least it was clean and had an electrical outlet.

That was at around 11 AM. I wasn't able to break away to pump for the rest of the day. I decided to forego pumping on the return ferry trip, opting to pump when we returned to the office instead. At that point, it was 5:30 PM and my breasts were about to explode. Unfortunately, the receptionist goes home at 5:30 PM, so I wasn't able to get the key to the pump room. I ended up ducking under a table in a conference room and hoping that no one would walk in on me.

This is why I'm really looking forward to not pumping tomorrow :)

It's been a long and crazy 7 months, but I've made it through, somehow carving out time and space to pump where there was none, day in and day out. Littles will go straight from breastmilk to cow's milk. No formula for my little girl.

On one of the mommy message boards that I frequent, there was a discussion a few months ago about whether moms should feel proud for making it to a year on breastmilk alone, no formula. Some respondents pointed out, "Women have been breastfeeding for millenia, so why should you feel proud if you breastfeed too?"

OK, point taken, but I doubt that my great-great-great-great-grandmother had to slip into a bathroom on a ferry and hook herself up to a plastic contraption to provide breastmilk for her baby. And I know she didn't have the lure of an almost-(but-not-quite)-as-good breastmilk alternative staring her in the face every time she went to the grocery store.

So yeah, I'm proud that I woke up every morning and turned myself inside out to give my baby the best. It was not easy, and I certainly don't look down on moms who do choose to supplement with formula or even switch completely, now that I know what goes into keeping a baby on breastmilk for a year. That doesn't mean I can't feel proud of myself for successfully taking the hard road.

Although I'm done pumping, I'm not done nursing. Littles still nurses once in the morning and once in the evening, and due to our impending move, I have no plans to wean her further in the coming weeks. I may even end up pumping again, during my business trips to Seattle, to maintain my milk supply for those morning and evening feedings.

Still, as I put my pump parts away this morning (at least temporarily) and prepared to give Littles cow's milk for the first time, I couldn't help but realize that this is the end of a big chapter in her life, and in mine.

On to the next one :)

Weaning off the pump

Holy cow. I thought this day would never come.

As of right now, I have 226.75 ounces of milk in my freezer. There are 32 days left until Littles' first birthday, when it's OK to start giving cow's milk in place of breastmilk.

As of late, Littles has been drinking only about 10 oz of milk on average while she's with Maria. That means that if I don't pump another drop of milk, I should be able to make it to June 12th just on my frozen milk alone. If my milk supply holds up on weekends/holidays/vacation days even when I quit pumping on workdays (and it's likely that it will, at least for a while), then I'll be able to easily make it all the way to June 18th!

So I'm starting to cut back on my pumping. I'm down to just one pumping session most days. This week, I may start to cut back on how long I pump during that session, to gradually get the message to my body that it doesn't need to produce quite so much milk.

Surprisingly, I'm a litle sad about all this. Oh, sure, it will be nice not having to stress on a daily basis about whether and how I'll find time to pump, whether I'll be able to keep up with Littles' consumption, etc. But at the same time, this means my little baby is growing up.

Littles and I spent this afternoon organizing the clothes in her room, which is a pretty big endeavor because this child has a lot of clothes. I have two big boxes into which I've been throwing outgrown clothes, so I went through and organized them a little better. I came across the outfit she came home from the hospital in. The outfit she wore to her first doctor's visit. The pajamas that she practically swam in the first time I put them on. As Littles cruised and toddled around and pushed over my carefully-sorted piles, I remembered the days when I put her down and walked away and came back to find her in the same place.

Where did my little baby go?