Unbalanced

Main Entry: un·bal·anced
Pronunciation: \-lən(t)st\
Function: adjective
Date: 1650
: not balanced: as a: not in equilibrium b: mentally disordered or deranged

-- Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary

What a perfect description of the life of a working mom like myself.

Some background on me. I've been working in the customer support department of a large software company since I graduated from college six years ago. Four years ago, I moved into my "dream job," where I did onsite support for my company's largest customers. I spent the next few years flying around the country and the world on an expense account, racking up the frequent flyer miles, experiencing Fargo in February and Dubai in June and everything in between. I loved it. Everything about it, from the work to the travel to the awesome people I worked with. And I was good at it. I got promotions and good reviews. Everyone told me my potential was unlimited.

So it's fitting that I was on a business trip in early October 2006 when I found out I was pregnant.

I never questioned the fact that I would return to work, but I knew that some things would need to change. Blessed with a supportive boss, I was able to cut my travel from nearly 100% to virtually 0% overnight. I even got his buy-off to work almost exclusively from home starting in February, when I was about 5 months pregnant.

I worked up until Friday, June 15, 10 days past my due date. I went in that Sunday to be induced, and Littles was born on Monday.

I was very lucky to get four months of paid maternity leave. I thought I'd be bored. Yeah, right! I loved every minute of it. It was this wonderful fantasyland where I could be a full-time mommy without giving up my career.

On October 22, I had to leave the fantasyland. My maternity leave ended, and I went back to work full-time.

I could not ask for a better working/childcare situation. Littles shares a nanny with a two-year-old girl who lives nearby and they are at our house two days a week. I work from home about 75% of the time, so I can often pop downstairs and say hello during the day, or just hear her happy squeals as she plays. The other 25% of the time, I work onsite with customers in the local area, so no more overnight travel.

And yet, I don't think a day has gone by when I haven't fantasized about quitting my job and staying home with Littles full-time. So I wouldn't have to ask to push back 8:00 AM conference calls because my husband is at work at that hour and my nanny doesn't come till 8:30. So I wouldn't have to spend a large part of my day hooked up to a breastpump. So my nanny wouldn't be the first person to see my daughter sit up by herself for the first time.

But I haven't quit. I'm hanging in there, in hopes that one day, I'll feel more in equilibrium. And less mentally deranged.