Don't tell my boss. But back in November, after I'd been back at work for about a month, I stole Littles away from Maria one Monday morning and took her to Palo Alto to visit our old mom's group.
I'd gone to this mom's group regularly while I was on maternity leave, starting when Littles was just 3 weeks old. Being able to talk out some of my problems and frustrations with motherhood in a group of supportive women always made me feel so comfortable and confident.
On that Monday morning in November, I was desperately searching for those feelings of comfort and confidence again. I wasn't enjoying life. I had taken on way too much at work when I came back from leave and was stressed out. I felt like by splitting time between my paying job and my mommy job, I was doing a terrible job at both. I had no time for myself. I was exhausted. I was miserable.
The facilitator of the group passed along a tip from another working mom, who has an almost-three-year-old and has found a good balance for herself: "When you go back to work, give it six months. If you're still miserable at the end of six months, then re-evaluate. But don't make any drastic changes before then."
Those words stuck in my head as I trudged through the next few months. On my bad days, I thought to myself, "April 22nd. Just make it to April 22nd. That'll be six months back at work. If you're still this miserable then, we'll change things up."
I'm glad I gave it some time. Just in the last few weeks, I feel like I've started to settle in. I'm enjoying my job again. I've gotten in a good routine where I have a decent balance between work time, Littles time, and me time. Even pumping has gotten a little easier, as Littles eats more solids and less milk, making it easier for me to keep up with her.
This past Monday was a real turning point for me. My husband is out of town on a business trip, so I was home alone with Littles all weekend. To make matters worse, it rained all weekend, so we were stuck inside. By the end of the weekend, I was so sick of the routine. Wake up. Nurse. Play. Prepare a meal. Feed the meal. Play. Put Littles down for a nap. Clean up. Wake up. Repeat. I found myself longing for a break.
On Monday, I had an onsite visit with a customer, so I left Littles in Maria's capable hands while I put on nice clothes and blow-dried my hair and generally looked and acted like an adult, not just a mommy. My visit went well, and as I drove home, eagerly anticipating seeing Littles' smiling face and cuddling and playing with her all evening long, I realized I'd gotten just the break I needed. For the first time, I was really happy to be a working mom, not a stay-at-home mom.
I'm still tweaking things. Some days are easier than others. I haven't quite found the perfect balance. But at least I don't think about quitting my job on a daily basis. That's an improvement :)
Friday, February 29, 2008
Monday, February 25, 2008
Child care
It's never, ever easy to leave your child in the care of someone else. But I think that having a caregiver that you trust is critical to preserving some degree of sanity as a working mom.
I'm lucky that I have one. We're in a nanny share, which means that we share our nanny (Maria) with another family, who has a two-year-old daughter named Dani. Maria also brings her four-year-old daughter, Gali. We alternate days between our house and Dani's house.
Our original thinking on going with a nanny share over a daycare center was that it offered more individual attention for almost the same price. I think individual attention is so important for infants! But most of the daycare centers in our area have a 1:4 caregiver-to-child ratio in the infant room, and often, that actually means two caregivers with 8 infants, or three caregivers with 12 infants. Having just one caregiver with three children, two of whom are older and more independent, is a much different situation. Littles gets showered with attention, not just from Maria but from the older girls as well. And I like that Maria is her only caregiver (other than her dad and me, of course) -- I think it's good for her to form a deep attachment with a single caregiver at this age, rather than being shuffled between two or three caregivers.
If we could have afforded it, I probably would have gone with a nanny just for Littles over a nanny share. I am glad that we couldn't afford it :), because now Littles genuinely loves being around Gali and Dani. She gets a huge smile on her face every morning when she sees them, and I sometimes have to tear her away from playing with them to take her home at night. It's neat to see her social skills develop. I remember when she first started with Maria. She had been home alone with me for her four short months on this planet, and suddenly she was surrounded by two active and loud little girls! She gave me a look that said, "Mom, what on earth is going on here?" Now, she loves being in the middle of the chaos. We visited some friends over Christmas who have three little boys, ages 4, 2, and 5 months -- talk about active and loud! But Littles fit right in and had an absolute blast with all of them. I don't think she would have been that way if she spent her days home alone with a nanny, or home alone with me, for that matter.
Another little side benefit of having a nanny is that Maria cleans while the girls nap. We pay her half of what we used to pay our cleaning service, she does a better job (for example, she puts away dishes and folds clothes), and she does it weekly instead of biweekly. Score.
Downsides? Well, there are goods and bads about having other kids there with Littles. For example, Dani is going through the "terrible two's" right now and has taken to scratching and hitting Littles on occasion, which no one (particularly her parents!) is too thrilled with. Also, when Littles first started with Maria, it was taking 45-60 mins of rocking, back-rubbing, etc. to put her down for a nap. Had she been with a nanny who didn't watch other kids, the nanny could've spent that kind of time alone with her. Had she been at a daycare center, one teacher could've dealt with her while another teacher watched the other kids. Since Maria couldn't do either of those things, she had to let Littles cry to learn how to self-soothe :(. Which actually wasn't so bad. It lasted about two weeks, during which time Littles never cried for more than 20 mins, usually 10 mins or less. Once she learned how to put herself to sleep, her naps and nighttime sleep improved dramatically, and she was less cranky and much happier overall. I wasn't thrilled about doing the "cry it out" thing, but I have to admit that it really worked out well.
And that's perhaps the most important thing I've learned about having someone else care for Littles: Maria will never do things just like I do. And that's OK! As long as she gives Littles lots of love and keeps her safe, which she does, then I trust she's making the right decisions, even if they're not the decisions I would make under the same circumstances.
I'm lucky that I have one. We're in a nanny share, which means that we share our nanny (Maria) with another family, who has a two-year-old daughter named Dani. Maria also brings her four-year-old daughter, Gali. We alternate days between our house and Dani's house.
Our original thinking on going with a nanny share over a daycare center was that it offered more individual attention for almost the same price. I think individual attention is so important for infants! But most of the daycare centers in our area have a 1:4 caregiver-to-child ratio in the infant room, and often, that actually means two caregivers with 8 infants, or three caregivers with 12 infants. Having just one caregiver with three children, two of whom are older and more independent, is a much different situation. Littles gets showered with attention, not just from Maria but from the older girls as well. And I like that Maria is her only caregiver (other than her dad and me, of course) -- I think it's good for her to form a deep attachment with a single caregiver at this age, rather than being shuffled between two or three caregivers.
If we could have afforded it, I probably would have gone with a nanny just for Littles over a nanny share. I am glad that we couldn't afford it :), because now Littles genuinely loves being around Gali and Dani. She gets a huge smile on her face every morning when she sees them, and I sometimes have to tear her away from playing with them to take her home at night. It's neat to see her social skills develop. I remember when she first started with Maria. She had been home alone with me for her four short months on this planet, and suddenly she was surrounded by two active and loud little girls! She gave me a look that said, "Mom, what on earth is going on here?" Now, she loves being in the middle of the chaos. We visited some friends over Christmas who have three little boys, ages 4, 2, and 5 months -- talk about active and loud! But Littles fit right in and had an absolute blast with all of them. I don't think she would have been that way if she spent her days home alone with a nanny, or home alone with me, for that matter.
Another little side benefit of having a nanny is that Maria cleans while the girls nap. We pay her half of what we used to pay our cleaning service, she does a better job (for example, she puts away dishes and folds clothes), and she does it weekly instead of biweekly. Score.
Downsides? Well, there are goods and bads about having other kids there with Littles. For example, Dani is going through the "terrible two's" right now and has taken to scratching and hitting Littles on occasion, which no one (particularly her parents!) is too thrilled with. Also, when Littles first started with Maria, it was taking 45-60 mins of rocking, back-rubbing, etc. to put her down for a nap. Had she been with a nanny who didn't watch other kids, the nanny could've spent that kind of time alone with her. Had she been at a daycare center, one teacher could've dealt with her while another teacher watched the other kids. Since Maria couldn't do either of those things, she had to let Littles cry to learn how to self-soothe :(. Which actually wasn't so bad. It lasted about two weeks, during which time Littles never cried for more than 20 mins, usually 10 mins or less. Once she learned how to put herself to sleep, her naps and nighttime sleep improved dramatically, and she was less cranky and much happier overall. I wasn't thrilled about doing the "cry it out" thing, but I have to admit that it really worked out well.
And that's perhaps the most important thing I've learned about having someone else care for Littles: Maria will never do things just like I do. And that's OK! As long as she gives Littles lots of love and keeps her safe, which she does, then I trust she's making the right decisions, even if they're not the decisions I would make under the same circumstances.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Well that was different!
I just got to the office and was settling in to pump when I heard a knock on the door. I opened it and another woman was standing outside with a familiar-looking black bag on her shoulder. Another pumper!
We both needed to pump, and there are two chairs in the pump room, so we figured what the heck!
I will admit, it was a little weird pumping in front of someone other than my husband or daughter. (Or my friend Jamie, who came to visit when Littles was about 6 weeks old. But we were roommates in college, so she's seen my breasts before!) But it wasn't too bad.
We chatted a little bit, and it turns out that she works for one of my company's partners, which is why I haven't seen her around before. She has a son who is 11 days younger than Littles!
Despite the awkwardness, it is so nice to know that there's another mom out there pumping well into the second half of the first year.
We both needed to pump, and there are two chairs in the pump room, so we figured what the heck!
I will admit, it was a little weird pumping in front of someone other than my husband or daughter. (Or my friend Jamie, who came to visit when Littles was about 6 weeks old. But we were roommates in college, so she's seen my breasts before!) But it wasn't too bad.
We chatted a little bit, and it turns out that she works for one of my company's partners, which is why I haven't seen her around before. She has a son who is 11 days younger than Littles!
Despite the awkwardness, it is so nice to know that there's another mom out there pumping well into the second half of the first year.
Thursday, February 7, 2008
WOMEN Unlimited
Today was my second session of my WOMEN Unlimited program. WOMEN Unlimited runs a couple of very cool programs for high-potential women leaders. I'm enrolled in the TEAM Program (Training for Emerging and Aspiring Managers). I cannot say enough good things about it. If you ever get the chance to attend a WOMEN Unlimited program or sponsor a high-potential woman for one of the programs, DO IT!
I am so grateful to my general manager for nominating and sponsoring me for TEAM. It's a pretty significant investment of time (six sessions over six months) and money (over $3000). My GM actually made the decision to send me to this program while I was on maternity leave -- I'm amazed that she still thinks I'm high-potential, even with everything I have going on outside of work.
It's always tough to pump when I'm in training sessions like this, because the breaks are way too short. For example, today we got two breaks in the morning (10 mins and 4 mins), a one-hour break for lunch, and a 10-min break in the afternoon. Luckily, the sessions are held at a local hotel and they have been kind enough to give me a day room for free, but even so, I can hardly get up to my day room and then back down to the training room in 10 mins, let alone pump for any significant amount of time. And I don't want to be late getting back to my training, because then I'll miss out on good information. Not to mention the fact that we're supposed to be networking with the other women in the class during breaks, and sitting alone in my room pumping isn't real conducive to networking.
It helps that at the first session, the facilitator had us introduce ourselves in a unique way: She asked us to show everyone an item we'd brought with us that said something about ourselves. So I chose my breastpump :). Now, at least everyone knows where I go on breaks -- they know I'm not just being antisocial. I still feel like I'm missing out a little, but I do spend part of the lunch break talking with the other participants. That will have to do for now.
I'm looking forward to the last session. It's on June 5th, less than two weeks before Littles' first birthday. Once Littles turns one, she'll be able to drink whole milk, so that is when I will quit pumping for good. If I work things right with my freezer stash, at that last session, I may be able to skip pumping for the day. (Who cares if my milk supply tanks at that point?) That would be wonderful :)
I am so grateful to my general manager for nominating and sponsoring me for TEAM. It's a pretty significant investment of time (six sessions over six months) and money (over $3000). My GM actually made the decision to send me to this program while I was on maternity leave -- I'm amazed that she still thinks I'm high-potential, even with everything I have going on outside of work.
It's always tough to pump when I'm in training sessions like this, because the breaks are way too short. For example, today we got two breaks in the morning (10 mins and 4 mins), a one-hour break for lunch, and a 10-min break in the afternoon. Luckily, the sessions are held at a local hotel and they have been kind enough to give me a day room for free, but even so, I can hardly get up to my day room and then back down to the training room in 10 mins, let alone pump for any significant amount of time. And I don't want to be late getting back to my training, because then I'll miss out on good information. Not to mention the fact that we're supposed to be networking with the other women in the class during breaks, and sitting alone in my room pumping isn't real conducive to networking.
It helps that at the first session, the facilitator had us introduce ourselves in a unique way: She asked us to show everyone an item we'd brought with us that said something about ourselves. So I chose my breastpump :). Now, at least everyone knows where I go on breaks -- they know I'm not just being antisocial. I still feel like I'm missing out a little, but I do spend part of the lunch break talking with the other participants. That will have to do for now.
I'm looking forward to the last session. It's on June 5th, less than two weeks before Littles' first birthday. Once Littles turns one, she'll be able to drink whole milk, so that is when I will quit pumping for good. If I work things right with my freezer stash, at that last session, I may be able to skip pumping for the day. (Who cares if my milk supply tanks at that point?) That would be wonderful :)
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
Nina is back :)
I'm in the office again today, and I saw Nina briefly as I headed off to lunch. I just came back to pump... and her pump is in here too :)
Monday, February 4, 2008
I think I lost my pumping buddy :(
As I mentioned in my last post, only about 25% of working moms continue breastfeeding past six months. As a result, I don't know many other moms who work and pump, at least not in real life. (I do frequent some Internet message boards where other work-and-pumpers hang out.)
So I was ridiculously excited a few weeks ago when I went to my company's new office for the first time and saw another woman's pump in the pump room. Someone else crazy enough to continue breastfeeding after going back to work!
I met my pumping buddy a few days later, as I was finishing up a pumping session and she was coming in to get started. Her name is Nina, and she has a five-month-old son. That day, she was getting ready to leave for her first business trip since becoming a mom. She was understandably nervous about it, particularly because, as she said, "I don't have a lot of milk left."
I've now been in the office for six straight business days, and no sign of Nina's pump. I'm guessing she quit pumping :(
And so, I'm alone in this craziness once again.
So I was ridiculously excited a few weeks ago when I went to my company's new office for the first time and saw another woman's pump in the pump room. Someone else crazy enough to continue breastfeeding after going back to work!
I met my pumping buddy a few days later, as I was finishing up a pumping session and she was coming in to get started. Her name is Nina, and she has a five-month-old son. That day, she was getting ready to leave for her first business trip since becoming a mom. She was understandably nervous about it, particularly because, as she said, "I don't have a lot of milk left."
I've now been in the office for six straight business days, and no sign of Nina's pump. I'm guessing she quit pumping :(
And so, I'm alone in this craziness once again.
Friday, February 1, 2008
Why I breastfeed
In my previous entries, I've talked about the challenges of finding time to pump at work and why I can't just skip a day of pumping when it's particularly inconvenient. So your next question might be, "If it's so hard to find the time to pump, and you can't just skip a day, why continue doing it at all? Is formula really that bad?"
Well, I ask myself that same question just about every day. Actually, about five times a day, when I slip away and hook myself up to my pump.
Here are some of the reasons why:
Well, I ask myself that same question just about every day. Actually, about five times a day, when I slip away and hook myself up to my pump.
Here are some of the reasons why:
- Breastmilk is the very best food for Littles. This really cannot be disputed. Not that formula is bad, but it's not as good as breastmilk. There are plenty of sites explaining all the benefits of breastmilk (here is one), so I won't repeat them here.
My little girl deserves the very best. Enough said.
If I couldn't breastfeed for some reason, obviously giving formula would be the very best thing to do, far better than starving Littles! But I can breastfeed, even while working -- it's just a question of whether or not I'm willing to commit a few hours a day to pumping. Giving her something less than the best, just because I couldn't commit to a few hours a day for a few months, would make me feel guilty. (Don't get me started on guilt. Working mother's guilt is a whole 'nother blog entry.) - It's hard. If someone tells me that something is hard, that just gives me more motivation to go out and do it. When I hear that only 25% of working moms are still breastfeeding when their babies are 6 months old, and only 11% are still breastfeeding at one year, that makes me want to be in that 11%.
I also hope that by putting myself out there and working/pumping and talking about it, I make it easier on the next mom who comes along and wants to do it. I really hope that by the time Littles is a mom, those numbers on working moms who breastfeed are a lot higher, and I like to think I'm doing my part to make that happen. - I'm cheap. Don't let anyone tell you that breastfeeding is free. My pump cost over $200. I've spent a couple hundred dollars on nursing bras/tanks, nursing cover-ups, replacement pump parts, etc. etc. But all of those costs are fixed, whether I keep pumping or switch to formula today. I can't justify spending money on formula when I have a perfectly acceptable alternative that doesn't require spending more money.
- I'm lazy. Breastfeeding means no bottles to heat up, no dishes to wash!
- Formula is too hard to figure out. Over Christmas, when I thought we might need to switch to formula soon, I wandered through the baby aisle at the grocery store. Littles' pediatrician had recommended Good Start formula, but I was amazed to discover that there were three or four different kinds of Good Start formula alone! Not to mention Similac and Enfamil, plus all the specialty formulas for kids with allergies... way too confusing. Breastmilk is easy -- there's only one kind!
- I love breastfeeding. This one is hard to explain if you've never done it (and possibly even if you have). I love snuggling with Littles at the end of the day and feeding her and relaxing and reconnecting. I love knowing that breastmilk is something I can give her that no one else can, a special gift. I know that all too soon, the day will come where she'll be a big girl who doesn't need or want that gift anymore. I don't want to rush that day.
So that's why I stick with it, even when the going gets tough.
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