Turning the corner

Don't tell my boss. But back in November, after I'd been back at work for about a month, I stole Littles away from Maria one Monday morning and took her to Palo Alto to visit our old mom's group.

I'd gone to this mom's group regularly while I was on maternity leave, starting when Littles was just 3 weeks old. Being able to talk out some of my problems and frustrations with motherhood in a group of supportive women always made me feel so comfortable and confident.

On that Monday morning in November, I was desperately searching for those feelings of comfort and confidence again. I wasn't enjoying life. I had taken on way too much at work when I came back from leave and was stressed out. I felt like by splitting time between my paying job and my mommy job, I was doing a terrible job at both. I had no time for myself. I was exhausted. I was miserable.

The facilitator of the group passed along a tip from another working mom, who has an almost-three-year-old and has found a good balance for herself: "When you go back to work, give it six months. If you're still miserable at the end of six months, then re-evaluate. But don't make any drastic changes before then."

Those words stuck in my head as I trudged through the next few months. On my bad days, I thought to myself, "April 22nd. Just make it to April 22nd. That'll be six months back at work. If you're still this miserable then, we'll change things up."

I'm glad I gave it some time. Just in the last few weeks, I feel like I've started to settle in. I'm enjoying my job again. I've gotten in a good routine where I have a decent balance between work time, Littles time, and me time. Even pumping has gotten a little easier, as Littles eats more solids and less milk, making it easier for me to keep up with her.

This past Monday was a real turning point for me. My husband is out of town on a business trip, so I was home alone with Littles all weekend. To make matters worse, it rained all weekend, so we were stuck inside. By the end of the weekend, I was so sick of the routine. Wake up. Nurse. Play. Prepare a meal. Feed the meal. Play. Put Littles down for a nap. Clean up. Wake up. Repeat. I found myself longing for a break.

On Monday, I had an onsite visit with a customer, so I left Littles in Maria's capable hands while I put on nice clothes and blow-dried my hair and generally looked and acted like an adult, not just a mommy. My visit went well, and as I drove home, eagerly anticipating seeing Littles' smiling face and cuddling and playing with her all evening long, I realized I'd gotten just the break I needed. For the first time, I was really happy to be a working mom, not a stay-at-home mom.

I'm still tweaking things. Some days are easier than others. I haven't quite found the perfect balance. But at least I don't think about quitting my job on a daily basis. That's an improvement :)